I think one of the hardest things to admit is that being fat is embarrassing on so many levels it sometimes hurts. At this point in my life I am as heavy as I have ever been and I have been noticing some things that shame me to my core. Again, it makes me wonder how it is that people don't get motivated sooner to lose that weight. So here it is, here are some of my embarrassing moments that have led me to this path and this journey. It is hard to share, but I am hoping that someone will read this blog and has had the same experiences. They need to know they are not alone.
1) I went to a water park and I was going to go on a ride with some friends when I saw a sign that had a weight limit. I didn't meet it and I immediately had visions of getting stuck in the tube or it breaking and me falling out twenty feet to the ground. Probably that would not have happened but still....So what did I do? I told my friends that I needed to go to the restroom very badly and jetted.
2) I recently went on a trip via airplane and I had to struggle with the seatbelts. I got them to snap but geez was it a challenge. I mean I had them pulled to their full length and I still had to fight with them. I was uncomfortable the whole flight, but I left my belt on even when the sign went off for fear someone would see me struggle and for fear I might not get it back on. It sucked and I almost started crying right there on a plane full of strangers. But I didn't...maybe I should have. I told myself at least my car seat belt fits comfortably, but that really isn't a comfort just an avoidance of the truth.
3) Sitting in desks...really really sucks. I fit in them, but barely and when I get up I am always afraid the desk will come up with me. Often, I use my avoidance strategy. "Oh there are no left handed desks in this room? Well, I guess I am going to need to flip the top of this desk up and turn another desk around to face me so I don't have to bend at a strange angle to write." A few times that I haven't done this the desk I am squished into has lifted off the ground and then clattered when I get up. This is probably the most embarrassing thing of all. People are watching you and they know why the desk made that clatter. You can see the look in their eyes and their expressions on their face. These looks say wow poor thing...she is so big she can't get out of her desk. I don't know if that is true but that is how it feels. I hate that look of pity and I never want to see it again. I won't if I can achieve my goals.
4) Doctors and nurses attacking me for my weight is also embarrassing on a much deeper level. They are often harsh and accusatory. I guess they are that way because they are trying to scare the fat off of me, which doesn't work and only serves to make me ashamed and angry. Some of the phrases they have used on me: "You would be so pretty if you just lost that weight", "I can tell you enjoy your enchiladas", "How in the world did you get like this", "Don't you care about yourself enough to eat healthy", "You know you are going to die from a stroke right?" and I could on...I think medical professionals need to focus on caring rather than condemning, it might work better. I know it must be frustrating dealing with this epidemic of obesity, but still a little compassion goes a long way. Then again, these have eventually made me angry enough to do something about it.
I could go on, but that is enough to highlight what I am trying to say. I know I am not the only one that may have experienced these things. I know that sometimes, I just won't fit or I just can't do something and I also know that if I keep working at it, it won't always be that way. This sense of shame will go away with hard work and being conscientious about my lifestyle choices. As embarrassing as these things are, they are part of the reason I keep on going. Maybe it is God's way of making me sit up and pay attention. So, I embrace the embarrassment and I am grateful for the emotion because it is a catalyst for change in my life. I am also glad I can say to people, you are not alone, you are not the only one and you can do this too!
Don't forget to check out my food and exercise diary at: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/sarahbear1981
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